what if i forgave myself?

What if I forgave myself? I thought. What if I forgave myself even though I'd done something I shouldn't have? What if I was a liar and a cheat and there was no excuse for what I'd done other than because it was what I wanted and needed to do? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn't do anything differently than I had done? What if I'd actually wanted to have sex with every one of those men? What if heroin taught me something? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if what made me do all those things everyone thought I shouldn't have done was what also had got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?     Sheryl Strayed "The Wild"

i have worked so hard at forgiving everyone else. i forgot to truly forgive myslef. i always say i didn't have to learn the way i did, but i'm gald i learned. today i release even the hint of guilt within that thought. i embrace my path and the redeemer. forgetting the notion that i need, needed a reedemer, or found/journeyed towards redemption. i already was. in it all.

 redeemed. fully beloved. 

today i look back on myself as redeemed. and forgive myself fully. until i no longer need too.  i'm going to get in the way of beauty. because i am beautiful.

sitting lightly

"You have a deep connection to your spirituality, it sits very lightly on you. You give it away so freely that even those without faith feel at ease and invited by the freedom."
- unknown man to me

i don't think there is a compliment that would have made me happier. my freedom is beginning to sing. my faith is getting its voice back. my worlds are converging. i am grateful. i am actually thrilled, the journey has been worth it and in rushes more freedom to live and move, pray and seek, to be...

there are still questions in my mind...but i am open to those. holding them, lightly--but open to the answers. i love emerging into the depth where it sits lightly and invites others to be a part.

amen, amen.

Quenching of Azlan

 There are places in my soul that are being called back, from a place that was covered by pain, confusion, weariness and decisions derived from self, rather than entering (past the Lion) to soothe my parched lips, dry throat and my wilting soul. I realize how thirsty I am for the Truth, a reminder of the Invitation. I had put it all down for a while, because "it" had become a burden, a judge, a confusion, a weapon, a trap, disguising the Invitation as something to dread. A restlessness --as I began to only see what I had lost rather than what I gained--replaced peace, excitement and my quenched soul.  The dare to courageously follow, abandon all to be at the Source is such a sweet place in MY soul, I am reawakening to the Invitation rather than the ACT. 

I LOVE the LION-I KNOW to TRUST HIM-

Trina's redemption song

Won't you help to sing,
These songs of freedom?
'Cause all we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs.
All we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs
These songs of freedom
Songs of freedom

Can you hear the roar within

Those things that have threatened

To destroy you

They are shrinking back in your strength

Trina, you are strong

Stronger than you know

Your hand has been made strong
By the hand of the Almighty.
To bring healing to this next generation
Triumphantly

Redeeming the tears that have dropped

Returning the midnight hours that seem to last for eternity

Restoring the mother’s hearts that cry out in agony

Remembering the little boys who disappear before they grow old

Won't you help to sing,
These songs of freedom?
'Cause all we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs.
All we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs
These songs of freedom
Songs of freedom

Standing in your pain

Refusing your loss to be in vain

Falling to your knees and reaching out,

Only to find the strength of others

Who share the same

Trina, in your struggle

Through your forgiveness

You lead the way

For in your healing

They will find theirs

Our community is crying out

You bring the truth

Raw with emotion 

You bring knowledge and 

a New song 
begging others to
Emancipate themselves from mental slavery,

Won't you help to sing,
These songs of freedom?
'Cause all we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs.
All we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs
These songs of freedom
Songs of freedom

The Lord remembers the broken hearted

He gives strength to the weary

A smoldering wick he does not snuff out

A bruised read he does not break

His redemption song is

Soft and gentle yet,

Full of strength

Stand my friend,

Don’t lose your step
for your past, your pain
is redeemed

'Cause all we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs.
All we’ve ever had,
Redemption songs
These songs of freedom
Songs of freedom

The Tension of Love and

 42 Arrested in 'Taliban Gang' Bust   

 (0coter 2009)

The Tension of love, justice, hope, and dreams deferred

The Tension of KNOWING some of these folks needed to be picked up

And some are a tadpole being rolled into a tsunami

The Tension of knowing these “grown men” as they were little boys,

Seeing their struggles and wiping their tears

Of watching as they grew into the men that lost their way

The Tension of love and hate aimed into one direction

The Tension of the police doing their job

And the church failing at theirs

The Tension of sitting with mothers as they weep

Their tadpole's shown as a monster

And listening to others describe their Monsters

As angles

The Tension of those from the outside with all their comments

Colliding with those that know a different story

The Tension of little boys who have seen nothing else and

Grown men who know better

The Tension of HOODSTARZ as Role Models and Role Models as

HOODSTARZ

The Tension of 42 African American sitting in a courtroom

With 42 white lawyers

The Tension of 60 folks watching

and only 2 of them men

The Tension of “ I told you”

and I’m so sorry for you

The Tension of 10 years to life

And you can never give back what you have taken

The tension of paying a debt

And those who love you PAYING it DOUBLE

The Tension of kids without daddies

Becoming daddies without kids.

The Tension of a straight A junior

Unable to help her mother

The Tension of a mother's fight

Unable to undo what is done

The Tension of CRACK COCAINE sells

And COCAINE buyers

The Tension of a community without 42 members

And 36 children without fathers

The Tension of a Father incarcerated with his sons

And untold stories,

The Tension of celebrating LIFE GIVING choices

And mourning that you were there when it started

The Tension of systemic issues

And personal choice

The Tension of Truth

And fear spewed by media

The Tension of communities forgotten

And one-sided stories

The Tension of God’s promises

And perceived reality

The Tension of LOVE, JUSTICE, HOPE, and DREAMS DEFERRED.

A Target

(2009)

How is it possible

That you might be

A target?

Coining a word

Does not make it normal

Where the fuck

Is justice

Who is screaming

On the streets

Who the FUCK cares

Your blood runs down the sidewalk

Into the gutter

Screaming your name

Drowned by the other screams

I wonder why I can’t sleep

And why you look so

Fucking tried

Paris, Derrick, Giggs, Angelica, Dontea, Jameace, Tyrone

Kaneeta, Bookie, Daron, Anthony, DJ, Bonnie, Sonya, Isaiah

Coining a word does not justify your death

Does not make you not a soul

It simply defies truth

When does..

Where does this story end.

Some thoughts for TalenaLashy

Some thoughts

(2007)

Spinning and looking for

The TRUTH

Tired and frustrated of the

CONFUSION

Angry and Exhausted from

The PAIN

Hungry and Capable of

LOVE

I stand with you

I stand knowing the

TRUTH

You are strong, beautiful, talented, intelligent and overall

AMAZING

I stand with you

I stand knowing that

CONFUSION

Lasts only a while….

As things settled

You will see the paths, valleys and mountain tops

And

CLARITY

Will reign

I stand with you

I stand knowing that you are

LOVED

In 1000 ways…

By Many People….

By the God of the Universe

I stand

Hoping that TRUTH, CLARITY, LOVE will surround you

And DEFINE you