A Dialogue.

A Dialogue.

somewhere in the darkness of Oct 2011

Me: rough one Chris

Chris: yea

Me: remember that Cat?

Chris: yea, that was so funny

Me: I loved spending that last hour with you every Wed night

Chris: yea it worked out pretty good, huh?

Me: I wish I knew more how to help you, that I wouldn’t have gotten so burned out--

Chris: I always felt you were available, I just wasn’t ready-

Me: I think when Box was killed you turned a corner-

Chris: I know—I just hurt so bad, and I counldn't make sense.

Me: also when you were with Jubar, Lionel and Will--

Chris: yea, I was so sorry you found out.

Me: You were robbed you know….your academics sucked

Chris: I know--I really saw it at Butte, but didn’t know how to fix it--

Me: that damn weed Chris!!! It numbed you so you couldn’t work hard--you couldn't get to healing

Chris: I know, but there had been so much confusion in my life, my moms, my dad, and then everyone getting killed

ME: yea, you have a pretty special space in my life, and Will’s ….When I saw your mom and grandfather after that night....we laughed and cried-- you were loved…..your were so many people's beloved.

Chris: I know…

Me: I gotta figure out how to take care of me
Chris: yep…. you can’t make someone do anything….but Sundance—I always knew.

i felt it coming

i felt it coming

written in the darker hours of 2011

i was lying on the bottom of the pool
my lungs half full
and i can't get up

i felt it coming…

i was trying to hold on

to make things right

to fight the good fight

my feet were slipping

my eyes dry

but my tears wet

the sickness came and

laid me down

and my mind began to spin

images from years back

intermixed with yesterday

sadness, deep, deep sadness took

as my mind drained through my eyes

i was running

and didn’t stop

didn’t resist

couldn’t really

and then covered it up

like it

wasn’t really there

not looking at you

for fear I’d

hear what you were saying

trust

power

faith

mercy

love

seeing so soberly how I escape

is a trap

insidiously designed

to bind and destroy me

saturated and overflowing

hope turned into dismay

foggy from pain and chaos

hanging on by a thread

tired to my bones

afraid my path

has ended

my medication

turned to addiction

and tainted the 20 years

of attempt

forgotten first love

dry actions

empty promises

belief and denial

twisted into

a dead stare

as I write gunshots pop

and sirens blare

20 year olds

lie in the middle of the street

mothers scream

and brother’s rage

guns reloaded

hommies brace themselves

little boys hold

daddy’s hands

“why? “

“because bad things happen to bad people”

he explains

with silent prayers

desperately begging

god to spare his baby boy

from this madness

my mind become numb

unable to take more

more knowledge

of things gone bad

grappling with words

that might explain

might heal

might just impact

one

that I might

remember the

many many

miracles

for my godson

for my godson

Tears rolling down your cheeks

like bullet shells dropping to the ground

one life lost

15 more dressed in white, dazed by confusion

anger, fear and pain --years old,

whispers

insidiously demanding

payback

screaming revenge

the young brother with a similar whisper

and same dazed look

your target

you spin in and out of

the child with chubby cheeks

and big dreams

and the mask that covers 

all  things

good, and, natural, and beautiful

voices speak out muffled pleas

to stand

stand up

you wonder where your legs went

cut off long ago

a mother sobs

focusing your daze

a homeboy’s cry

becomes contagious

only nobody knows where it starts or stops

fingers clinch triggers

clapping at anything

that might relieve your pain

only to find it circles back around

like a dog chasing its tail

there are no winners

only loss

deep altering loss

Oh child beautiful child

let your tears roll

like white flags of surrender

let them cleanse you soul

lay down your head and listen

to the voice of Truth

the one who Loves you

and calls you by name

a bruised reed He will not break

a smoldering wick

He will not snuff out

lean back

And wait

for He is faithful

to heal your broken heart

to bring back 

things you thought were lost

He can redeem you

your sister, your brother,

your cousins, your partners

they don’t have to die in vain

you are not your father

absent, angry, addicted

you are not your mother

weary, worn, wounded

stand up

your legs are not gone

for He renews

the strength of the weary.

stare down the lie

and stand

revenge, confusion and death only muffles hope

for it cannot be destroyed

his Love remains

his Plans are still For Good

not for harm

He has the final word

and you are not alone