i felt it coming

i felt it coming

written in the darker hours of 2011

i was lying on the bottom of the pool
my lungs half full
and i can't get up

i felt it coming…

i was trying to hold on

to make things right

to fight the good fight

my feet were slipping

my eyes dry

but my tears wet

the sickness came and

laid me down

and my mind began to spin

images from years back

intermixed with yesterday

sadness, deep, deep sadness took

as my mind drained through my eyes

i was running

and didn’t stop

didn’t resist

couldn’t really

and then covered it up

like it

wasn’t really there

not looking at you

for fear I’d

hear what you were saying

trust

power

faith

mercy

love

seeing so soberly how I escape

is a trap

insidiously designed

to bind and destroy me

saturated and overflowing

hope turned into dismay

foggy from pain and chaos

hanging on by a thread

tired to my bones

afraid my path

has ended

my medication

turned to addiction

and tainted the 20 years

of attempt

forgotten first love

dry actions

empty promises

belief and denial

twisted into

a dead stare

as I write gunshots pop

and sirens blare

20 year olds

lie in the middle of the street

mothers scream

and brother’s rage

guns reloaded

hommies brace themselves

little boys hold

daddy’s hands

“why? “

“because bad things happen to bad people”

he explains

with silent prayers

desperately begging

god to spare his baby boy

from this madness

my mind become numb

unable to take more

more knowledge

of things gone bad

grappling with words

that might explain

might heal

might just impact

one

that I might

remember the

many many

miracles